


Mind Over Matter

by LetUsIndulge



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-29 13:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11441478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetUsIndulge/pseuds/LetUsIndulge
Summary: He tried not to think about it; pretended there wasn’t an ‘it’ not to think about.Unfortunately, the feelings that Gavin's subconscious had been trying so hard to protect him from inevitably seep through the cracks and he has to find a way to deal with them, i.e.notdealing with them.A/N: I really hope to finish this but for now it's on a long hiatus while I work on other things and think of a way to complete it.





	1. Chapter 1

_He tried not to think about it; pretended there wasn’t an ‘it’ not to think about._

Gavin had just walked into the Achievement Hunter office when Jeremy called out to him, “Hey Gav, we’re gonna do a Let’s Watch.” He was on the opposite-side of the room, looking at Gavin over the computer monitors from Ryan’s desk.

“Sweet, what are we playing and who’s playing it?” His voice was lower than usual and a little raspy; early stages of a cold he’d assumed. But he was fine, ‘mind over matter’ after all and continuously denying any idea of sickness to himself and others, if asked, would have it gone in no time.

Almost all the ‘Achievement Hunters’, except for Michael who was out recording for ‘Camp Camp’, were gathered around Ryan’s desk, setting up the Oculus Rift from what Gavin could see.  

“A VR game called ‘Edge of Nowhere,’ and Geoff’s the one playing it,” Jack supplied and smirked at the aforementioned man who was busy setting up his microphone.

“It’s meant to be creepy,” Ryan helped, having noticed Gavin’s raised, questioning eyebrow.

“Oh,” Gavin chuckled out the small utterance, enlightened to the smug smile on Jack’s face. Gavin dragged his and Jeremy’s chairs behind him, as if they were suitcases, over towards the narrow space between the ‘Gent’s’ desks and the wall. He pushed Jeremy’s chair towards his fellow ‘Lad’ who thanked him in return.

“What did you get yourself into, Geoffrey?” Gavin asked with an exaggerated sigh. He hadn’t sat down yet and was leaning against the back of his chair as he watched Geoff turn to him with an exasperated expression.

“Jeremy’s assured me it’s not a horror,” But he didn’t sound convinced.

Gavin sent Jeremy a suspicious look to ask ‘is it?’ who indignantly said, “It’s not! It’s an adventure-thriller type survival game.”

“Right,” Geoff snorted, “All right, sit down, assholes; we’re recording.”

Jack started the webcam capture on his own computer, then angled the camera strategically to fit them all in as best he could, although it was still a tight squeeze. Gavin slowly took to his seat and soon after Jeremy did the same, leaving Jack the last to settle as he sorted out the audio.

Gavin noticed that his head was behind Geoff’s (he could see from Jack’s monitor that displayed the webcam’s recording) so he had to scoot forward to fit into frame better, which meant he had to come closer to Ryan; so much so that their knees touched. He tried to swivel his chair away but it just led to his chair’s legs bumping into Ryan’s. The game started and Gavin quickly tried to forget about the uncomfortable, anxious swirl in his stomach and awkwardly kept his eyes on Geoff’s screen.

He distracted himself by focusing on the commentary and banter amongst his colleagues as they messed around with Geoff whose eyes were covered by the Oculus. However, his leg still bounced nervously and his eyes never turned to Ryan, even when the older spoke or addressed him, but that wasn’t new behaviour so it didn’t cause suspicion (he was a restless guy to begin with); Gavin hoped at least.

Gavin tried to keep his jokes towards the others, mainly Jeremy, but with Ryan right beside him it had been easier for them to team up on banter and pranks, such as when Ryan decided to try and push down on the pedal on Geoff’s chair that adjusted the seat’s height. It had failed (Geoff already had his seat on the lowest height) but the two laughed nonetheless at the attempt and, despite the anxiety never ceasing at the back of his chest and throat, Gavin felt elated at the attention. Interactions between himself and Ryan had always had that effect on him.

Not long after having had met Ryan, that uncomfortable unease was born without apparent reason and had settled heavily in his stomach like an anchor without a ship. The others often brought up how awkward and shy Gavin was around the other in their early days of ‘Let’s Play’, as well as how he often shrank away when asked to go fetch Ryan from the animation studio. Gavin never denied it; he was well aware how he was around new people, but he hadn’t expected that same weird nervousness to stay after four years of knowing the man.

Fortunately, Gavin seemed to be the only one aware of his lack of change and he worked hard to keep it that way. Not that there was anything to ‘keep’ exactly, but until whatever ‘it’ was went away (he still thought it would, despite it having been four years already) he was going to continue his ‘light and distant’ approach.

It was probably something to do with how Ryan was the least likely to spend time with anyone outside of the office, so, naturally Gavin didn’t know him as well - It was probably just that.

After the video was finished, Geoff went off to a meeting while the others began to set up for their next video. They had decided to keep with the VR theme and do a ‘VR the champions’ (although this would be with the Vive, not the Oculus Rift). Gavin quickly excused himself to get a drink of water because his throat was dry. _Dry_ , not sore. He wasn’t ill, or getting there either, he told himself again.

He returned to the office quietly and took to adjusting the camera view while Jeremy and Ryan sorted out the recording for the game, and Jack focused on the audio. However, without him even noticing, Ryan was suddenly near him and curiously eyeing the British young-man who gingerly sipped his cup of water.

“That for your throat?”  He asked with a small smirk, though not an unkind one (they never were).

Gavin was surprised Ryan had noticed. No one else had, not that that bothered him; the change in his voice was so subtle, he himself wouldn’t have been able to tell if he hadn’t felt the scratchiness as he spoke. Again, not that he was sick.

“Huh?” Gavin said dumbly, “I don’t have a sore throat, Ryan,” He assured as he tried to keep his smile at bay. He always smiled when he lied, especially when it was a small, unnecessary lie; it felt a little like a game. Also, he always found himself smiling when Ryan singled him out or approached him, but that was probably an awkward smile from the nervousness the man brought out in him; is what Gavin told himself.

“Right,” the older elongated the word in obvious scepticism, “So you’re preserving gravel at the back of your throat because…?”  

Gavin laughed as he spoke, “What you on about, Ryan?” It was an odd, insistent habit for him to often punctuate Ryan’s name at the end of sentences when addressing the man himself, but after all this time, neither noticed.

Ryan rolled his eyes at Gavin’s stubbornness but smiled nonetheless, “Just try to not make it worse.”

It didn’t make sense, Gavin thought as he watched Ryan head back to the others, he enjoyed these silly conversations, so _why_ did that incessant thrumming around his chest that resonated to his stomach and throat continue to grow whenever Gavin so much as _glanced_ at his colleague. And, although there came some pleasant excitement and odd happiness in the unsettling discomfort, it only made Gavin more bitter towards ‘it’. Not that he knew _what_ or _why_  ‘it’ was. He just knew he didn’t like it, and his nervousness only grew.

As soon as he became aware of those thoughts though, he was sure to shut them down and lock them away again; he was good at that. ‘Mind over matter’. And he plunged into the video with the same Gavin-like gusto everyone knew.

-

Later that day, when only half an hour was left of the workday and everyone was saving footage and transferring the data to the editors, Gavin heard Geoff ask Ryan, “How’s it going with, uhhh, that chick?”

Ryan laughed at the term but replied, “Things with ‘that chick’ are going okay.”

When Gavin first met Ryan, he was in his eighth year of marriage, but not two years later Ryan and his wife separated and eventually divorced. Gavin never knew the reason for the break-up, he never asked, although he knew it was mutual and that the two were on good, speaking terms. Since then, Ryan remained mostly single, only having tried dating again recently. Gavin had vaguely heard of Ryan’s most recent girlfriend but had tactfully avoided being directly involved in any conversations on the topic.

“Just ‘okay’?” Geoff inquired curiously, almost suspiciously.

“Yeah, what else do you want me to say? It’s still early days,” Ryan defended.

“Early days? Hasn’t it been over two months?” Geoff asked.

“Sure, but it’s not like we’ve been on that many dates. We’re both busy and still getting to know each other,” Ryan explained.

“Whatever you say, dude,” Geoff said lazily, apparently done with the conversation.

Gavin stared at his screen unmoving. That uncomfortable knot in his stomach sat heavily, putrid from being there for four years, but had never shrunk or diminished in the slightest.

‘What’s wrong with me today?’ He thought and laughed under his breath which, despite being such a miniscule task of his throat, turned into a couple of small coughs.

“Don’t be sceptical, Geoff,” Jack half-heartedly scolded, “Leave the poor guy alone.”

“I’m just sayin’, this is always how it starts,” Geoff said.

Gavin left the room quietly before he heard the rest. He felt like getting a Red Bull to fasten the last twenty-five minutes of the day, which were going impossibly slow for some reason.

He rested against the kitchen counter that reached the small of his back, and after popping the tab of the can open, which hissed in response, he took a small mouthful. Strangely, he no longer felt thirsty, and simply parked his gaze at the can in his hands.

His mind briefly wandered to the itch in his mind: ‘it’. There was something there that he couldn’t quite place and a strong, instinctual part of him kept him away from reaching out for it; similar to a defence mechanism that guarded a traumatic memory, and for all he knew, maybe that’s what it was.  

As soon as he was back in the office Michael spun he chair to face Gavin, “You wanna get drinks tonight?”

Gavin looked at him for a moment.

When Gavin and Alice (his last long-term girlfriend) had broken up, which was almost a year ago, Michael had doubled on his invitations to go out to get drinks, play video games, or to go swimming like they used to when they had more free time in the earlier days of Achievement Hunter. Everyone had been very supportive and kind during that time after the split, but it was also infuriating. They were careful and cautious around him, they tried to get him to talk about it, and spoke to him in gentle tones as if he were a frightened animal.

Gavin never talked much about what had happened, mainly because there wasn’t much to say. He and Alice both became overly busy, their interests split in consequence and the house they shared was very rarely inhabited by the both of them at the same time. Gavin went abroad a lot for Roosterteeth, and Alice travelled all over America to work with different photographers for multiple photo-shoots and conventions. Most of all though, is that they let it happen. They didn’t have to split up, is what Gavin thought, if they really wanted things to get better they could have simply put more effort in. They could have tried to get into each other’s new interests, they wouldn’t have gone abroad as often (Gavin could have spoken to Burnie or something and asked to do more work that didn’t take him away from home every other week. Alice could have kept the number of conventions and shoots she booked to a certain number every month; she was a freelance model and could make her own choices after all), and they could have _fought_.

But they didn’t. Not that anyone was to blame. Maybe they were too similar in a way. And despite their accepting end of the relationship, it was still devastating. Neither had become so serious about another person before, at least not enough to make a home with, and selling the house was horrible. It was sad. Alice cried, Gavin held her as she did and would have cried too if that was something he were capable of. They both got apartments and that was that. They still spoke occasionally, a Skype session or a texting conversation around once a month.

Michael had toned down on the coddling a month after the breakup when he began to notice Gavin losing his patience; not that the Brit was ungrateful, but the attention just made it harder to move on. The same coddling from back then had suddenly started again recently, but Gavin wasn’t quite sure why.

“Uh, yeah. Sure, boy!” He figured it would be a good opportunity to ask, and who was he to say no to some bevs?

“Yeah, bevs with my boy!” Michael hooted enthusiastically.

Gavin laughed at his friend’s antics, oblivious to a pair of eyes that watched him from across the room.

-

When Gavin and Michael had settled at a table in one of their usual bars, and a rare (but comfortable) lull played out between subjects, Gavin found his opening.

“You’ve been inviting me out a lot these last couple of weeks,” Gavin said, feigning a nonchalant tone.

“Yeah, and you’ve refused most of them,” Michael jabbed, though there was no real offence, if his smirk was anything to go by.

“Been abroad, ‘aven’t I?” Gavin reminded.

“I know; you’re never in the office,” Michael teased, his voice loud with exuberance.

“It’s still for work,” Gavin insisted, only a little vexed by the constant joke of his absence.

“I know,” He assured, “Just sayin’.”

“Not another one for a while though, for now. It’s depressing how much time I spend on a plane,” Gavin said before taking another mouthful from his beer.

“That why you’ve been so bummed out lately?”  Michael asked, using the same forced casualness as Gavin had earlier.

Gavin looked at him surprised, “I’ve been bummed out?”

“Seems like it. Been quiet and reserved, and shit.”  

“I have?”

“A little. Not in videos,” He quickly reassured, followed by a calm, “Anything wrong?”

Gavin smiled and looked at Michael strangely, and said, “No? I don’t think so,” as the putrid lump in his stomach pulsed. “Maybe tired from flying,” he offered.

Michael hummed and nodded with a few bobs of his head.

“Is this why you’ve been so pushy about going out?”

“What? Gavin,” he said his name in a put-on hurt voice of disbelief, “Can’t a boy ask his boy to bevs without there being some ulterior motive behind it?”

Gavin grinned and nudged Michael with his elbow, “Aw, Michael.”

“Get away from me,” Michael grouched, but there was laughter in his voice as he pretended to recoil from his friend. And the conversation naturally travelled away from their previous discussion.

A few hours and a Lindsay later, Gavin was pleasantly drunk. Not so totalled that he had absolutely no motor skills or balance, but enough to make his mind and mouth slack.

“I-I think, maybe, maybe I might know why I’ve been so bu- so out of it,” He slurred out.

Michael and Lindsay turned their heads to look at him from their debate. It was a little out of nowhere since he had just been asking ‘what would be the best animal body part for humans to adopt?’ Lindsay had laughed and Michael called him an idiot, but it wasn’t long before they were all arguing their thoughts on the matter.

The couple wore confused expressions until realisation slowly seeped over Michael’s eyes, despite his intoxication.

“Yeah?” He asked, interested.

“But,” He drunkenly stretched the word, “I can’t tell you… ‘cause I don’t know-won’t know,” His words became increasingly incoherent the more he spoke. Michael’s eyebrows furrowed and Lindsay chuckled giddily from the mix of alcohol and Gavin’s mumbled words.

“What are you talking about?” Michael asked loudly, each word pinched with incredulous doubt, disappointed he hadn’t gotten a real answer to his, thought to be, prior concerns.

Gavin’s glazed eyes stared down at his hands that rested on the table in front of him, his fingertips loosely holding the body of his beer-bottle. The form in his stomach (which Gavin imagined to be a dense, gelatinous ball from how it moved and swelled) violently moved and punched along the wall of his abdomen, as if to free itself. Its struggling scared Gavin, but the alcohol in his system had lowered his inhibitions and he felt something not too short of a desperation to let it lose.

“Gav?” Michael called out with a chuckle.

“I…” Gavin started unsurely, sadly, “I can’t...”

“What?” Lindsay asked. She wasn’t smiling though having had noticed the solemness on her friend’s face. Gavin wasn’t known to be a sad drunk; if anything, he became even more cheeky and playful than usual. Michael wasn’t fazed by it though, not realising the heaviness in those words, and simply laughed as he clamped a hand around Gavin’s shoulder.

“Snap outta it, dude,” Michael grinned as he shook Gavin a little.

“You can’t?” Lindsay prompted Gavin to finish, but cursed as it came out tangled and unintelligible. Regardless of her inebriation, she could still tell something was off and felt the need to comfort her friend who looked almost… defeated and ashamed.

Gavin looked up a little to look at her, his expression tired. He knew she had spoken to him but hadn’t understood what she had said, and for the first time Michael seemed to notice his friend’s bleak demeanour. He moved his chair closer to Gavin’s and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, a sappier gesture of comfort than he might have done if he had been sober.

“Ayyy, buddy, what’s wrong?” He kept his voice light as he gave Gavin’s shoulders a little squeeze.

“Should we head home?” Lindsay asked as she swayed drunkenly.

Michael faced his wife and gave a stuttered nod of his head before he asked Gavin, “Wanna stay over at ours, Gav?”

Gavin nodded glumly. Although he was drunk, he was aware of himself and his actions, and felt embarrassed of his vulnerable state. He felt like a child as he was lead into an Uber and taken to Michael and Lindsay’s place. He had stayed at theirs often enough after a night of drinks, but he knew he should have gone home when he realised his resolve was slipping. He had already tempted the uninvited resident in his body and it was growing stronger.

-

Gavin sat down heavily at the foot of the bed in Lindsay and Michael’s guest-room with his head hung so low that his chin touched his chest. It was only a little past eleven when the trio had reached the Jones’ home and began to clumsily get ready for bed. It was a Tuesday and they were all expected to be at work the following morning, but Gavin hadn’t wanted to think about that.

He could hear Lindsay and Michael stumbling around as they went about their nightly routines, giggling all the while. Gavin smiled and chuckled fondly before he struggled to kick off his Converse and climbed under the duvet. He was so tired and his eyes closed to the sounds of his friends as they playfully bickered; laughing and cursing as they knocked into things.

Eventually the comforting, cheerful voices dulled and silenced without Gavin realising as his drunken stupor slowly dissolved. He opened his eyes after some time and stared up at the darkness of the room. His whole body and mind demanded sleep, and yet, both fuelled the anxiety which was keeping him awake. He sighed in frustration as he threw the covers over his head. ‘Just sleep,’ Gavin commanded, squeezing his eyes shut ‘Don’t think.’

His heart beat heavily in his chest and he felt jittery with nerves.

He had opened Pandora’s box, which had been so heavily guarded by his subconscious for the past four years, and Gavin wasn’t sure he could close it again. He had no idea why either; why the subliminal part of his mind had weakened and shared information Gavin had never wanted to know. He was at least grateful he hadn’t said it out loud, though it had been close.

Because at the same time he had said, _“I can’t…”_ to Lindsay and Michael.

His mind echoed, _“I’m in love with Ryan”_ to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Gavin didn’t sleep that night – couldn’t sleep that night, and when his phone’s clock showed 6:37am, he gave up trying. He got up begrudgingly as he trudged to the en-suite bathroom; he felt a little gross from having had slept in his clothes from the day before. He mindlessly showered and dressed back into those same clothes, spraying himself with deodorant and body spray a little more excessively than he normally would to mask any smells of beer and or body odour that might have been lingering. A dull throbbing had started in the middle of the night at the crown of Gavin’s head and had steadily grown to a harsh pounding that had stretched over to his forehead. 

Gavin sighed at his reflection in the mirror. He felt awful, and it showed. The circles around his eyes had sunken and were noticeably darker than usual. His tanned skin had a pasty, clay-like texture to it; probably from dehydration and lack of sleep he’d assumed. Once he had brushed his teeth, he made his way downstairs to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. 

It was half seven when Lindsay appeared showered and dressed as she entered the kitchen. Gavin was sat at the dining table in the adjoined living room, drinking his bottle of water.

“Hey,” Lindsay smiled before she sought out her breakfast. 

“Mornin’ Linds,” Gavin greeted reciprocating the smile, albeit a tired one.

“You look awful,” She said after a brief moment of her pouring cereal into a bowl.

Gavin chuckled, “Well, I _am_ hungover.”

“True.”

They chatted quietly while Lindsay ate; she asked if he had had breakfast yet to which he said he’d get something at the office. Michael eventually showed and made himself a grilled cheese sandwich while he half-heartedly joined in the conversation, until he was sat down with them.

“You were fuckin’ loopy last night,” Michael told Gavin with a grin on his face. 

Gavin tactfully hid his dread and instead asked “What?” with feigned confusion and an amused smile.

“Yeah, you were all sad and dejected,” Lindsay recalled as she took another mouthful of her cereal.

“What?” Gavin said again, in the same manner. “Was I really?” He chuckled in disbelief, “Can’t remember any of that.”

“Not surprising; you were _wasted_.”

“We can’t really talk though, Michael,” Lindsay chimed in.

“Sure we can. Look, I’m doing it right now,” He replied cheekily. Lindsay shook her head but had a fond smile on her face.

They spoke more of the previous night and Gavin was grateful that they lost interest in retelling his odd behaviour and stuck to the higher, more fun events of the evening. 

-

When they got to work around half eight, the three split up to do their own thing before the workday officially started at nine. Gavin went over to the kitchen to see if there was anything he could eat, but as he looked over the breakfast foods and snacks, his stomach flipped nauseously. He settled on another bottle of water and quickly headed over to his office. 

He went through his emails, replied to those that required a response, and dove into work as a way to shutter out any thoughts or feelings his mind may want to express. This new ‘revelation’ wouldn’t change anything, he had decided. Everything would continue as normal. 

-

Half-way through the day and Gavin had begun to realise that, despite his ability to remain relatively ‘normal’, he had subconsciously been avoiding Ryan; as much as you can avoid someone you work in close quarters with anyway. It was as if he was scared that his newly revealed feelings were written in every expression, movement and sound he made. Fortunately, his distant behaviour wasn’t glaringly obvious to anyone else, as any lack of interaction between the two could be easily pinned down by the fact that his and Ryan’s desks were far apart. 

They were recording a sponsored ‘let’s play’ of a random fantasy, MMO game similar to WoW, which was fun but the game-play was quite repetitive so it left a lot of opportunities to tell entertaining stories and have silly chats. And that’s when Michael decided to tell the group of their drunken shenanigans from the night prior. Gavin laughed and chimed in when prompted but was otherwise distant to the conversation.

“Gavin was so wasted by the end of the night; he was all gloomy and weird,” Michael told the group in an amused voice, though he had no cruel intentions and Gavin knew that. To Michael, Gavin had simply had a rare reaction caused by the alcohol and that Gavin hadn’t really felt sad in any way. 

“What? Gavin’s not a sad drunk,” Geoff said in a mildly surprised tone, “What was wrong, buddy?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember,” Gavin lied with a weak laugh.

“Told you. He was so far gone. He said he couldn’t tell us. I wish you had seen him, Geoff, he was acting so weird. So un-Gavvy like,” Michael chuckled and glanced towards Gavin who smiled back.

“Maybe you got so drunk, you got to the depressed stage?” Jeremy suggested, mainly joking though.

“Nah, I’ve seen him way drunker before and he’s always just been happy and annoying. Obnoxiously so.”

“Yeah, sounds about right,” Geoff agreed as he belted out a laugh. 

“What? No,” Gavin denied, with a clearly contrived innocent tone.

He managed to paste on his normal countenance despite the apprehension brought about by the simple mention of the night before. Fortunately, the subject quickly moved along and Gavin was able to keep up with the conversation regardless of his sullied mood and aching head; the fact that he hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours hadn’t helped either. 

When lunchtime finally hit, Gavin stayed in the office (declining any offers of going out to eat) and waited for everyone to leave. As soon as the office was quiet, he walked over to the couch and unceremoniously dropped himself onto it. He laid sideways, head tucked into the cushioned back of the couch, with his legs bent and arms crossed over his chest to comfortably fit along the small, white sofa. He closed his eyes and hoped for sleep which refused to come even thirty minutes later.

“For god’s sake,” He sighed quietly as he tried to burrow closer into the back of the couch, successfully mushing his face against it.

“Gavin?” 

It was Geoff, apparently back early from lunch. Gavin hummed in acknowledgement and tried not to make a noise of dissatisfaction when he felt a warm weight against his back.

“You okay?” He asked as he pulled Gavin’s shoulder back so he could see his face.

“’m fine,” he mumbled as he glanced blearily at Geoff (who was precariously sat on the edge of the couch) then tried to turn back into the position he had been forced away from.

“Don’t be an asshole,” Geoff reprimanded as he once again tugged Gavin’s shoulder towards him, “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m hungover, aren’t I?” Gavin stared up at Geoff tiredly.

“I don’t just mean today,” Geoff grouched, but when he saw Gavin’s eyebrows knit together with confusion he continued, “You’ve been out of it for a couple of weeks now.”

Gavin blinked up at the man, ‘What’s going on?’

Michael had said something similar the night prior, but Gavin hadn’t been able to give him an answer. However, only hours after had certain ‘things’ regretfully come to light, which in consequence had opened a lot more revelations (which were also unwanted). And now that it had been brought back to his attention, he realised that it might have been about a month ago when the resident in his stomach had grown considerably more ‘active’. And along with it, bore a mysterious dread that had made Gavin distracted and anxious.

For all he knew, it might have served as a sign that the resolve of his subconscious had been teetering on the edge of awareness. As if a box that had held his secret, away from even himself, had slowly been cracking open. Gavin suddenly felt a whole other form of sickness at the thought that others could have seen through him, even before himself.

Geoff had watched him as Gavin’s mind raced and eventually stopped whatever train had been carrying him away from the present, “Talk to me, dumbass; I’m your boss.”

Gavin almost laughed at that; Geoff only threw out the ‘boss’ card when he was worried about something - or someone, in this case.

“Uhhh, nothing’s wrong. You know I don’t have feelings,” Gavin chuckled. One good thing that had come from his sleep deprivation: the exhaustion actually aided his mannerisms to appear more calm and genuine, his expression and words too clouded with fatigue to uncover any insincerity. 

Geoff gave him a purposeful stare before he harshly jabbed Gavin’s side with two of his fingers. Gavin had squawked in surprise and protest, but the noise had quickly descended into giggles.

“Bugger off,” He said loudly in-between sniggers and breaths as he playfully wrestled the man away from him. Geoff laughed while he walked away and sat at his desk, thankfully leaving Gavin to return to his curled-up position on the couch. 

It hadn’t even crossed his mind to tell Geoff (or to tell anyone else for that matter) the truth; it wasn’t a viable option. He feared that he’d never be taken seriously, but he also feared that he would. However, overall, it wasn’t something that needed to be talked about: it wasn’t important – ‘It wasn’t anything’, is what Gavin had tried so desperately to remind and convince his brain and consciousness. 

He briefly wondered if Geoff’s confrontation had been prompted by Michael’s earlier words, about him being ‘gloomy and weird’ and only hoped that that was the end of it.


	3. Chapter 3

The last days of that week had been a struggle to say the least; Gavin’s sore throat had progressively turned into a full blown cold and fever, his head throbbed, his whole body was weighed down as if it were made of mercury, he kept having dizzy spells and felt nauseous all the time. It hadn’t gone unnoticed either and a lot of colleagues had playfully rubbed it in his face, asking why he hadn’t ‘willed it away’, but their concern was still evident in the way they looked at him when he strained to stifle a cough or sneeze. He was sweating a lot too, which he had tried to discreetly wipe away from his forehead and temples when he thought no one was looking. All his fellow Achievement Hunters had told him to go home, but he was adamant to stay and insisted he was fine.

Gavin hated how being ill made him so slow and unable to do things at his normal pace, however, he was slightly thankful for the distraction; his mind was so full of stuffiness and dizziness, he hadn’t the time to think of… Well, other _things_ that he might have not wanted to. Although, that being said, said ‘things’ were not making it easy for him. It seemed as if Ryan was always looking over at him, and it greatly unnerved Gavin, so when Friday finally rolled around, Gavin was somewhat relieved. 

An hour before the day came to an end, Gavin went to his office to finish up some none ‘AH’ related work and before he realised it, it was almost an hour past his work day. He rested his head against the table-top of his desk with a low groan and hoped someone would be around to give him a lift home; he wasn’t really up to walk the three-four miles to his apartment. After he had gathered his things and turned off his computer, Gavin stood to walk out of the office only to stagger as a wave of nausea hit him. He impatiently waited for the dizziness to pass before he left his office out into the editor’s department.

Naturally, no one was there so Gavin made his way to Gus’s office next (just one driving candidate of many), however, when he went out into the adjoined hallway, he was stuck still. His legs stuttered, his brain stuck in a ‘fight-or-flight’ response to the sight of Ryan approaching him from the other end of the hallway. The fear of appearing suspicious quickly broke his sudden moment of panic though, and he forced his feet into motion towards Gus’s office as planned. He intended to give a quick smile and goodbye to Ryan as he passed, but Ryan stopped in front of him instead.

“What are you still doing here?” Ryan asked, his eyebrows harshly furrowed.

The sudden question surprised Gavin: it almost sounded disapproving.

“What are _you_ still doing here?” Gavin countered childishly but it came out hoarse, his swollen throat protesting the use of his voice, to which he ignored.

Ryan rolled his eyes before he quickly responded, “Looking for you actually,” as he crossed his arms over his chest.

A happy spark tried to ignite in Gavin’s chest and he was quick to snuff it out.

“W-why? What did I do?” Gavin swiftly tried to joke, hoping to lessen any attention on his stutter. 

“You didn’t come back to the office so I thought you might have died somewhere.” 

Gavin was a little shocked by the concern from the gent. He would have expected it from Geoff or maybe Michael, but Ryan? Not that he wasn’t a caring person, he was but Gavin and Ryan had always…had ‘barriers’ between each other. Gavin had created them, yes (for reasons that had only recently come to light), however, he had always felt that Ryan enforced them as well. They would never hug or play-wrestle like they might have with the rest; no contact or closeness at all really. And, as hypocritical as it might sound, it hurt Gavin _a lot_.

“Nah, not dead. Was in my office but I’m leaving now,” He said distractedly. His whole body was weak, even talking made him feel sick and his head swam uncomfortably. 

An odd silence blanketed the two, until Ryan finally lifted it, “You need a ride?” 

“I was just gonna ask Gus,” He said with the impression that Ryan had only asked out of an awkward obligation.

“Well, _I’m_ offering _now_ ,” Ryan sassed, sounding only slightly offended.

Gavin forced out a laugh, “That was your chance to escape, Ryan.”

“...I don’t need it,” Ryan said slowly, looking at Gavin strangely, seeming a little vexed by Gavin’s assumption. 

‘I do,’ Gavin thought sadly. 

There was a giddy happiness that reeled around his lungs and midsection at Ryan’s attention and concern, but now that his discomfort with his colleague had been identified to himself, it was set against apprehension and a bitter wretchedness. It was all so flummoxing and irksome to Gavin. He had always thought his brain was more rational, and that he could control things better than this. ‘Mind over matter’. And yet, he was so affected by something he’d been able to deny for **four years** and he couldn’t stop it. Usually, if he liked someone and it turned out there was no hope of a romantic relationship, despite being a little disappointed, he’d accept it quite easily; he wouldn’t dwell or mourn it, like he was now. 

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to,” Ryan assured, not leaving any room for argument as he pulled out his car keys and told Gavin to get a move on.

Gavin gave a muttered ‘thanks’ before the two went back to the AH office to retrieve their things and then towards the company car-park. When they walked out onto the parking lot, the Austin heat blared down aggressively on them and as Gavin’s body temperature grew steadily warmer, his nausea and dizziness grew steadily worse. He stopped for a moment to regain his footing, which had become sloppy as his vision swayed and twisted. He felt so weak that he couldn’t keep himself up and almost stumbled to the floor if it hadn’t been for a quick pair of strong hands that gripped his upper arms, keeping him upright. 

“You okay there, Gav?” 

Gavin’s heart leapt to his throat at the closeness and fumbled back a little in panic, however, Ryan’s hands stayed clamped around his biceps. 

“Yeah,” He croaked, but quickly smiled to recover his casual façade as best he could. Gavin felt as if he would throw up any moment and the thought of vomiting in front of Ryan (which he has done shamelessly and countlessly before, as well as in front of many other people) suddenly seemed like the worst thing to happen. 

His heart was hammering and he wanted to push Ryan away in fear he could hear it or feel it through his arms, as improbable as that would be. He inwardly scowled at the giddiness that had once again popped up for a second at the other’s touch while his eyes focused on something passed Ryan’s shoulder.

“I was thinking maybe I should walk home instead,” Gavin weakly lied.

Ryan’s eyebrows shot up before they furrowed back down in concern and irritation at Gavin’s stubbornness and/or stupidity, “What? Why? You can’t walk in the state you’re in. Have you even been to the doctor’s? I bet you haven’t even been taking medicine either.”

“But I’m fine.”

There was a pause and Gavin tried to ignore the thoughtful gaze Ryan gave him.

“Why don’t you want me to drive you?” He eventually asked.

Gavin had been a little bit perturbed by Ryan’s tone, which he hadn’t been able to place and, even with only the use of his peripherals, could see an unusually guarded expression on the man’s face. 

“No, it’s- I might throw up in your car.” 

Gavin felt relief as Ryan’s odd tone and ‘non-expression’ vanished with his reply, “So? I would never have imagined you to care about something like that.”

“You don’t even know where I live,” He attempted again.

“You can tell me; that’s the great thing about verbal communication, Gavin: we can _tell_ each other things.”

“All right, calm down,” A common phrase Gavin used whenever he felt trapped into a corner.

“ _You_ calm down,” Ryan retorted immaturely.

“It’s just a cold, I’m not going to fall down,” Gavin lamely remonstrated. 

“A-ha! So you admit you’re ill,” Ryan grinned, obviously pleased having had caught Gavin out, “Also, ‘not going to fall down’? You’re saying that as I’m having to hold you up from collapsing,” he emphasised his point with a small squeeze of his grip. 

“I won’t collapse! Look,” Gavin shoved Ryan away gently to prove he could stand perfectly on his own (and to get some distance), only to prove Ryan right instead: the shove motion had sent him off balance rather than push Ryan away, and in turn, he started to fall.

“Jesus, Gavin,” Ryan breathed out harshly; his voice somewhat strained by his sudden rushed movements to catch Gavin before he began his descent to the ground, his grasp settled back tightly around Gavin’s arms.

The world spun sickeningly and in his delirium, Gavin’s hands instinctively grabbed at Ryan’s sides in an attempt to keep himself grounded. All his senses were dulled and muffled, as if he were underwater, and his head fell forward as he tried not to throw up. 

Ryan patiently waited until Gavin’s nausea passed.

“You good?” Ryan eventually asked when Gavin’s hands sprang away from his waist, as if he had suddenly been scalded. 

Gavin replied with a croaked, “Y-Yeah,” but didn’t raise his head up, too mortified once he realised that he had held onto Ryan’s waist for leverage. 

After his sickness had subsided a little more and he felt he could stand on his own, he took a step away from Ryan, and this time the other let him. However, Ryan’s hands stayed out, not so convinced Gavin wouldn’t fall again. 

“Okay, let’s walk slowly,” He said, putting emphasis on ‘slowly’ as he smirked teasingly.

Gavin rolled his eyes but followed Ryan to his car, admitting defeat.

-

“I’ve never seen you properly ill before,” Ryan commented as he began to drive out of the company’s car-park.

“Cause I never am,” Gavin said simply.

“What happened to just ‘not doing it’?” He mocked, but not cruelly.

“I was! And it was working, but I got distracted and it was too late to stop it,” Gavin rambled indignantly.

“…Right,” Ryan said after a beat, either with scepticism or confusion, Gavin wasn’t sure, “By work?”

“What?” Gavin asked, unsure of Ryan’s question.

Ryan sighed from Gavin’s very usual inelegant response, “You said you ‘got distracted’.”

Gavin was silent for only a second as he joined the dots and realised his mistake.

“O-oh, uh, y-yeah,” He said while he rushed to think of a change of subject, which apparently was nothing and he cursed his panic induced mind. 

He kept his face tilted away from Ryan, even though he knew the man’s eyes were on the road. And after an uncomfortable pang of silence, Ryan hummed in response, which Gavin only knew him to do when he was holding his tongue. Not another word was said between the two until they finally reached Gavin’s apartment complex. 

A five-minute car ride had never felt so long.

“Thanks for the ride, Ryan! See you Monday,” He quickly opened the door and stumbled a little as he tried to quickly walk around the car and get to his building’s entrance. He turned around to shoot Ryan a polite wave but was stopped short to see Ryan outside his car, slamming his car door closed and walking towards him.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t die on the way to your apartment, and before you argue, I just saw you wobble when you got out of the car.” 

“I didn’t ‘wobble’,” Gavin protested with a laugh, but let Ryan follow him to his apartment; it’d be quicker to get it over with than to argue.

“Yeah. You did,” Ryan gave each word a pointed dead-panned tone. Gavin chose to ignored him and made his way into his apartment complex. 

Gavin would have usually taken the stairs to his flat’s floor but opted for the elevator instead; it being the faster option. The elevator started with a small jolt as it began its ascension to the eighth floor and as it did, Gavin’s stomach protested and sickened by the vertical motion. Being as subtle as possible, hoping Ryan wouldn’t notice, Gavin placed his hand on the wall to keep his nausea from toppling him over. He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Ryan asked from his place a little behind Gavin.

“Fine,” Gavin quietly and shortly responded. 

Gavin bitterly noted the irony that the first time he and Ryan were to spend any time outside of work together, would be only a few days after he came to understand how he felt about the man. 

The lift finally stopped at Gavin’s floor and Ryan’s hand left his shoulder as they walked out into the hall that led to Gavin’s apartment. When they reached Gavin’s door and he began to unlock it, he said, “Okay, well, thanks for the escort, Ry-”

However, as soon as his door unlocked with a click, Gavin had had to stop what he was saying in favour of running to his bathroom as bile began to rise up his throat. He had been able to keep down any notions of vomit throughout the workday, though it seemed his body lost any resilience when it realised he was home. Oh, and with Ryan. 

‘Brilliant’

His knees hit the floor hard as he fell in front of the toilet to empty his stomach. He prayed Ryan would leave him to it and just go home, but he knew better than that - knew Ryan better than that. Gavin’s thoughts were quickly confirmed true when a hand began to rub small, soothing circles on his back. It was bizarre. Gavin had thrown up _many_ times in front of Ryan at work and he usually just laughed at him, along with any others that might have witnessed it; not that Gavin minded, it was kind of the point most of the time. Gavin assumed because it hadn’t been for entertainment purposes, Ryan felt more sympathetic towards the situation.

Unfortunately, Gavin was in that position: throwing up on and off, for a little under twenty minutes, until he could lean away from the toilet without fear he’d instantly puke again. He sat on his knees for a little bit, his body tired from forcibly emptying itself, as well as to wait for the faintness to pass. He closed the toilet lid and lent forward to flush his bodily waste away before he attempted to get up off the cold bathroom floor. He ignored how his body seemed to get heavier with each movement he made and eventually managed to stand.

“Sorry, you didn’t have to stay,” He said awkwardly, embarrassed and frustrated at his useless body for having had gotten him into the situation. He went over to the sink to splash water on his face, then cupped some into his mouth to swash and spit in an attempt to get rid of the bitter taste of bile.

Instead of answering, Ryan said, “Do you have any medicine?”

Gavin looked over to him and replied with, “Uh, no,” as if it were obvious.

“None at all?”

“Why would I?”

“Why _wouldn’t_ you?”

“I don’t take medicine.”

Ryan gave a loud frustrated noise, “There _has_ to be exceptions.”

“Yeah; when I’m dying or have some gammy disease.” 

“Well, you _look_ like death, so, how about you make an exception this time?”

“It doesn’t work like that, Ryan.”

“Of course ‘it doesn’t work like that’, this is _your_ warped brain we’re talking about, nothing works there!” Ryan argued huffily. 

“Ryan,” Gavin started with a chuckle at Ryan’s expense, “You can go home, I’m fine-” Gavin saw Ryan about to protest so he quickly continued, “I’m fine. I just need sleep.”

“And medicine and food, which you don’t have either of.”

“I have food,” But his voice trailed off as he remembered that no, he didn’t have food. He barely ever had food. He’s not a big eater and when he does eat, he normally goes out for it. Ryan raised an eyebrow as if having had read Gavin’s mind.

“Look, I’m gonna go quickly get you some things you need-” Ryan began, alarming Gavin into instant objection. 

“No, Ryan, you don’t need to do any of that. I’ll sleep and I’ll be fine, then I’ll go out and get stuff.”

“You won’t, I know you won’t and even if I _did_ believe you, you need medicine now, not later,” Ryan had grown more agitated and stubborn with every argument Gavin made and Gavin was just the same.

‘Stop trying to help,’ Gavin mentally begged. Gavin had never liked being fussed over but if someone had been adamant about something he’d let them do as they pleased; however, with Ryan it was different. Gavin was hyper aware of himself all the time when Ryan was around and he needed some time away from the man so that he could assess his feelings and assemble some sort of plan of action to get rid of them. Not only that, but it left an unusual sadness in Gavin every time Ryan would reach out or care for him. 

“I’m an adult, Ryan,” he laughed. _‘Keep it light and distant.’_

“You have no food in this entire apartment,” Ryan exasperatedly reminded. Gavin had thought about listing off all the odd bits of food he did have, but realised that probably wouldn’t help his case.

Gavin shrugged as best as his heavy body would allow and uttered a slightly obnoxious “eh” noise but regretted it when it struck an uncomfortable pain in his throat.

“Okay, I’m done talking to you. Go to sleep, I’m borrowing your keys,” Ryan said with a silent ‘and that’s final’ diction, as he walked out of the bathroom towards the front door of Gavin’s apartment. 

Gavin trailed behind helplessly, his body not stable enough to keep up with his colleague, “Rya-”

“See you in a bit,” Ryan called as he made a point to slam the door closed. Gavin stood, leant heavily against the wall of his living room while he stared down the short hallway at his front door. 

‘What is happening?’

He pondered the possibility that he had become so delirious, his ill body and head must have been manifesting odd illusions in the form of Gavin’s fears: awkward social situations and forced to be around people he didn’t want to be.

He slowly made his way to his bedroom, continuing his use of the walls for stability, and gently laid himself down onto his bed. His head was killing him and he wanted to sleep. Maybe once he woke up, he’d come back to reality where he was still eluded to his subconscious’ secrets, to when he didn’t have the flu and Ryan wasn’t out to get him medicine, and everything was _normal_. And then the part of him that was happy of Ryan’s attention would disappear too.

-

What Gavin had woken up to, instead, was a gentle call of his name and a hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t even remembered going to sleep and was quite bewildered for a few moments as he became familiar with his surroundings once again. When his eyes cleared from their sleepy haze, he hadn’t been prepared for Ryan’s face to be so close to his and in his surprise, he quickly sat up, which he instantly regretted when the world spun harshly. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Sorry, Gav,” Ryan briefly apologised as he sorted some things onto Gavin’s bedside table, “Here, take these.”

Gavin squinted over to Ryan, who was knelt beside his bed offering two tablets and a bottle of water. Gavin looked sceptically at the white pills that sat in Ryan’s palm, but Ryan’s stern-look was enough to make him realise he didn’t have much of a choice. He begrudgingly took them, although he struggled the first few couple of attempts to swallow them, not having had taken many pills in his lifetime.

“I got some food basics and there’s a pack of bottled waters in the fridge. Uhh, what else…”

“You actually went and got stuff?” Gavin asked bewildered, despite never having doubted that Ryan would do as he had said.

Ryan arched an eyebrow, “Well, yeah. What did you expect? You saw me take your keys.”

Gavin didn’t respond, simply watched as Ryan went through an almost empty shopping bag.

“Oh, yeah, I got you some soup for you to eat, although, maybe you should give it a bit until the pills have gotten into your system,” Ryan said while he placed a polystyrene container and a plastic spoon next to the medicine, and water bottle on Gavin’s night-stand.

Gavin swallowed his discomfort and all the nervous thoughts circling him, and considered all Ryan had done for him.

“Thanks, Ryan, you weird little sausage,” he chirped foolishly. The tagged-on endearment a reflex to hide any serious sincerity that could come across as sappy or too sentimental.

“You’re welcome?” Ryan said unsurely with an inquisitive look; still not too confident in how he should take being referred to as a cylindrical tube of meat probably. Gavin chuckled as he looked down at his lap for a moment before he returned to face the man standing beside him, but was shocked still to see the new, soft expression Ryan held on him; he was smiling warmly and his eyes crinkled ever-so-slightly at the corners, and all the thoughts and feelings Gavin had barricaded away for the sake of dealing with the current interaction broke through unforgivably.

There was a pause, and with nothing more to do, Ryan became awkward as he stood fiddling with his car keys.

“Okay, well I’ll leave you to eat and sleep,” he sheepishly uttered as he backed up towards Gavin’s bedroom door, “Oh, and just in case,” He finished as he dragged Gavin’s bin next to his side of the bed before he gave a half wave and walked out of Gavin’s bedroom. 

Gavin hadn’t watched Ryan leave, instead he gently laid back down and kept his tired eyes on his bedroom ceiling as he listened to Ryan’s footsteps soften the further away they grew. When he heard the front door close, he felt relieved. Relieved, yet pensive; that’s what being around Ryan did to him. However, he was unwilling to investigate his forlornness further than an unfortunate error in his brain’s chemistry; because affection can be controlled. He just needed to fix the wrong wiring that had caused the malfunction.

Not now though. Gavin’s body ached, his head harboured a sharp, constant pain and he felt nauseas whenever he even remotely turned his head.

He closed his eyes and waited for sleep - hoped for sleep.

-

The thirteen hours that followed, to put it mildly, had not been fun for Gavin. He would sleep uncomfortably for a short period until he was forcefully woken up by either a migraine, a coughing fit, or the sudden need to throw up. He tried to eat the soup Ryan had left the first time he had been unpleasantly awoken, hoping food might help his system. He never found out however as it never passed his stomach, his body almost immediately rejecting it after only a few mouthfuls. Unsurprisingly, food was a no.

The weekend went in a similar fashion; his flu had peaked on Saturday and he spent most of the day between being in bed or knelt in front of the toilet. Geoff had called him once to check up on him, apparently having had been informed by Ryan of Gavin’s condition, but couldn’t come see him due to being out of town. By Sunday, Gavin had stopped throwing up, his fever had drastically lowered and the pressure in his head had lightened to a mild headache, although his body still felt weak and heavy which left him stuck in bed. 

Unfortunately, being bedridden for so long had given Gavin’s mind enough time to drift into dangerous territory and Netflix had failed as a strong enough distraction to ground him. Thoughts and memories of Ryan would enter his mind without warning and all it served to do was create a sadness in Gavin that he would never admit to, however, he felt relieved that he would be able to return to work the following day, along with a strong hopefulness that when all signs of sickness had left his body, it would take his recent brain-malfunction away with it.


	4. Chapter 4

Gavin felt irritated as he tried to ignore the nervousness in his stomach on his walk to work the next day, and wished he could remember how he acted before this had all started. He had no idea how to be ‘normal’ any more and he was terrified he would give himself away before even he himself realised it. It had been growing more and more difficult to control his thoughts and feelings which worsened his mood, and tried to shake them away. He couldn’t let himself think in that area of things, if he gave it any attention it’d just become something more troublesome, he had to think about work, the work he enjoyed. Stressful thoughts are just thoughts and he can control what they entail, so, he would think of work and no-one/nothing else. 

And he didn’t… until he walked into the office.

He had not expected Ryan, who was scrolling through twitter on his phone at the time, to be on the office couch right next to the door as he walked in. Ryan had turned to him as soon as he passed the threshold into the office and Gavin prayed to God that Ryan hadn’t seen the panic in his eyes.

“Hey,” Ryan greeted friendlily as he got up off the couch to approach Gavin, pocketing his phone, “How you feeling?”

“Oh, uh, g-good, thanks- Fine, thanks,” Gavin stuttered and started, as he looked everywhere but Ryan’s direction, and wondered if it wouldn’t be too much to ask to have time rewind five minutes so he could have another go at that.

‘What the hell was that?’ Gavin grieved to himself.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked slowly, purposely to make it appear as if he were talking to a crazy person. 

“What? Yeah, of course. Are you?” He replied quickly with a harsh kind of punch on the ending tag question. 

‘Might have sounded a touch aggressive there,’ Gavin thought to himself regretfully; cringing at his behaviour.

“Did you break the Brit?” Geoff asked impassively from his desk across the room, clicking around on his computer.

“I broke the Brit,” Ryan confirmed, eyes glued on Gavin with a tilt of his head. Gavin felt that happy-scared feeling he often got at Ryan’s attention and focused on keeping his face neutral. 

“I’m not a broken Brit,” Gavin half-heartedly objected. 

“It was time to get a new model anyway,” Geoff said casually, although Gavin could hear the smile in his voice. 

“Ay!” Gavin protested louder towards Geoff’s direction. 

“Nah, this one’s fine, you just gotta whack it a bit,” Ryan assured as he patted Gavin’s back firmly.

Gavin’s chest tightened at the contact and it only intensified his bitter-sweet feelings, however, he couldn’t stop the chuckle that left his mouth as he finally turned to watch Ryan’s actions.

“I’m not a TV from the eighties,” He said with exuberance in fake-offence, although his laughter drowned it out as he tried to move away from Ryan’s ‘whacking’.

Ryan’s smile broadened at the response and continued to hit at Gavin’s back, “Not with that attitude you’re not!”

Geoff laughed at the two, and even more so when he heard Gavin’s own laughter turn into a coughing fit, thinking the boy had just choked on his own laughter. That wasn’t the case however, although Gavin was a _lot_ better, he was still getting over some of the more persistent symptoms from the flu.

“Oh, God, sorry, Gav, you okay?” Ryan asked apologetically with a little laughter in his voice from their antics before and patted Gavin’s back properly in an attempt to help the coughing fit pass; all the while watching in concern.

“Fine,” Gavin managed to choke out through his coughs.

“Wow, you really did break the Brit,” Geoff commented. 

“I thought you said you were feeling fine now,” Ryan said, slightly reproaching. 

“I am, it’s just some remnants,” Gavin said with a flippant wave of his hand as he turned to cough into the other, away from Ryan’s direction, causing him to miss the worried gaze Ryan had on him.

“Oh, yeah! That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you,” Geoff suddenly said, getting up from his desk to come around to Ryan; apparently loosing interest in whatever he was doing on his computer.

“With me?” Ryan asked surprised and confused by Geoff’s sudden liveliness. Ryan turned his attention to the older man, however, did not move away from Gavin.

“Yeah, ‘you’! This guy was _hounding_ me to go check up on you all weekend,” Geoff complained to Gavin.

Gavin, in disbelief, quickly turned to Ryan who luckily still held his attention on Geoff. Gavin bit down on the inside of one of his cheeks to stop himself from smiling.

“Oh, come on, I called and messaged _once_ , that’s not exactly a ‘hounding’ make,” Ryan argued.

“You messaged me _twice_ ,” Geoff said corrected, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said sheepishly, “Okay, but _still_ not hounding material and little good it did; all you did was call him.”

“I was away,” Geoff defended.

“And I was fine,” Gavin chimed in.

“See, he was fine,” Geoff throwing a hand in Gavin’s direction. 

“He wasn’t ‘fine’,” Ryan disagreed with a palpable sternness.

“Uh-oh, are Mom and Dad fighting?” Jeremy said as he and Michael entered the office.

“Oh, so you assholes finally got here,” Geoff said but there was no real anger; the day hadn’t even officially started yet.

“We were here before you guys,” Michael retaliated in a similar, anger-less tone. 

Gavin inwardly sighed with relief as the subject changed and he was able to get some attention away from himself. The guys were playfully arguing about being or not being late, Jack being none the wiser to any of it in spite of having been there the entire time, his headphones covering the noise around him.

Gavin stayed standing by his desk, feeling as if it’d be rude to sit down at his computer while everyone was standing and chatting/arguing away. Gavin was still very aware of Ryan stood beside him and took a risk to glance at the man only to immediately regret it; finding Ryan to be looking straight back at him. He gave a small smile to Gavin, which he hoped he returned as normally as possible.

-

For the first couple of days that week, Gavin tried to suddenly be very ‘busy’ and was only ever in the Achievement Hunter room for recordings; however, that plan was fast discredited. Geoff and Michael noticed almost immediately and started questioning his behaviour, and the last thing Gavin wanted was to put more attention on himself or his actions. It also didn’t really help his mood; he felt more miserable being away from his friends and his office began to feel suffocating. So, Gavin was quickly returned to his normal way of doing things, although nothing seemed normal at all; not for Gavin at least. He pushed and he fought, and he harshly denied the sparks of feelings that spread over him when he and Ryan interacted, when he saw Ryan, or when he thought of him (which he tried with a passion not to do).

To make matters worse (or better, depending on what side of Gavin’s brain you were asking), it seemed as though Ryan was around him more. It wasn’t anything huge that made Gavin feel that way, nothing noticeable to anyone else at least, it was just minute things like; small, unnecessary touches (such as: a hand on the shoulder or a pat on the back), not being so aggressive during arguments (although they still indeed had arguments) and initiating ‘team love’n’stuff’ more often. Gavin wondered if it was an after-effect of Ryan seeing him in a vulnerable state and would only be temporary until he was satisfied that Gavin was well again, or maybe it was his imagination and there hadn’t been such a change from the start. Whatever it was, Gavin hoped it would pass soon; it wasn’t exactly good timing for Ryan to be more attentive to him while he was busy trying to extinguish…’stuff’.

But it was okay; he just had to sort his head out by focusing on other things- more important things, and to avoid feeding that particular part of his brain. It wasn’t as if he was sparse of work to keep him busy either. However, although he loved his work, he found himself looking forward to the weekend more than usual. 

And he did well to ignore himself… Till that following Thursday.

It was the afternoon and a comfortable lull in the office had settled between recording sessions while everyone either sorted and sent off their video/audio files to the editing team, replied to emails, and or checked social media etc; except for a few quiet conversations amongst each other. One conversation in particular caught Gavin’s attention, Ryan’s voice having pierced through his previous focus on work.

“Look, it was dickish of me, but I think she was relieved for the excuse; we weren’t exactly ‘clicking’, ” Ryan started defensively.

“But I just don’t understand how you could have forgot. What were you doing?” Geoff replied in moderate astonishment. 

“What are you two talking about?” Gavin heard Jack interject.

“Ryan forgot his date,” Geoff told him blankly; sourly.

“Ryan,” Jack grieved, elongating the name with disappointment.

Ryan sighed regretfully, “I know, I suck. I wasn’t thinking; I guess I got distracted.”

“With what?” Jack asked, continuing where Geoff had left off before he had interrupted.

“I…” He hesitated thoughtfully; looking back to that time, before oddly answering, “Uhh, I must have been working late.”

“On a Friday?” Jack questioned curiously. 

Gavin stiffened and furrowed his brow at his computer screen. 

‘Friday? Wait… Do they mean _last_ Friday?’ 

He continued to listen all the more intently.

“Yeah, what were you working late for?” Geoff asked further, just as confused and interested as jack.

“I had stuff to do and I forgot,” Was the uninterested, supposedly casual non-answer they got.

Gavin didn’t understand why Ryan didn’t just tell them the truth and that he had been too wrapped up in helping Gavin while he was ill to remember his date. Maybe he was embarrassed by it or didn’t want Gavin to be involved or blamed for the situation; Gavin wasn’t sure, but he guessed it didn’t matter and it didn’t really have anything to do with him anyway.

“So she dumped him,” Geoff supplied for Jack.

“Oh, Ryan,” Jack repeated, similarly to before, but with an additional touch of sympathy.

“It’s fine, we weren’t getting anywhere anyway,” Ryan assured, but he did sound sorry for his actions.

However, Jack still felt the need to add plainly, “You suck.”

“I know,” Ryan sighed dejected, though agreed, “I’m going to get a coke, anyone want anything?” He asked getting up from his desk.

As he walked across the room and everyone called out their requests, he caught Gavin looking at him, who quickly turned back to his computer embarrassed at having been seen. 

In some weird way, Gavin felt responsible, even a little guilty despite not being the one directly at fault. He briefly wondered if he should apologise before tossing the notion aside; Gavin wasn’t one for instigating potentially awkward or difficult conversations in fear he’d make a fool of himself and he doubted Ryan would appreciate the topic either.

The concept of Ryan missing a date because he was with Gavin was… odd and the tenant that lived in Gavin’s stomach flipped erratically. The guilt slowly grew and Gavin, disapproving of it, continued his work pretending he was none the wiser.

**Author's Note:**

> Started this early last year (2016) and I include some real events/let's plays etc that happened during that time but because it's been a while, I might get them in the wrong order now, just warning ya. Sorry if some parts are too over-dramatic or stupid, I liked the angst I guess ^^; 
> 
> Also, I don't really know where this is going, or where I wanted it to go, and I don't know if I'm going to finish it, but any feedback you have, good or bad, is welcome!
> 
> Okay so 'this' (chapter 4) is where I got up to apparently and still no inspiration of how to carry it on yet. Sorry, I am a failure D:


End file.
